Ok. I don’t like how the word Priapismic rolls off my tongue. It sounds a little bit retarded for such a manly condition. This type of naming gives off a negative sort of connotation like it’s something to be ashamed about, kind of like spastic, or down syndrome. This is perhaps the reason why some men blessed enough to have priapism don’t realize their good fortune, but instead consider themselves to “suffer” from an “embarrassing affliction”. Or maybe I suspect, these wimps just don’t have the balls to match their positively manly condition.
So I’m going to coin a new word for this condition, a word that rightfully implies Glory. Something Macho. Something Muscular. Something Majestic.
I call it Priapismi-spectandiculariffic!
Regardless what I call it, many priapismic men are still going to be embarrassed by their condition. So it got me to thinking. How else can I help all my priapismic brethren chin up?
Given a 5 day MC from the hospital for a football injury and tones of free time to read up on all the episode recaps of Heroes I’ve missed, I hit upon the solution.
I’m going to start a League of Priapismic Super Heroes.
Our case will be to champion the cause of justice and priapism (not in that order). And as the founder of this new league, the burden falls squarely upon my shoulders to draw up the list of invitees.
But first, the list of people I would never invite.
One of them is the caped crusader, Batman, with his blue-eyed boy wonder sidekick, Robin. Sure he’s man enough to get the upper hand over his foes without the use of any real super power. But as much as he kicks ass, I’m sure that he also bangs the ass of the under-aged Boy Wonder somewhere down in his dark and isolated Bat Cave. Totally unmanly, and totally unacceptable! Would you really want a pervert with an eternal hard-on on your team? That’s not macho. That’s disgusting.
Another one super hero I would never invite on the team would be Dr. Reed of the Fantastic Four, or better known as, Mr. Rubberman. I bet that guy could make his 5th limb grow to any length he wants. That would probably make for a good party trick, something along the lines of “Hey everyone! Look!” as he proceeds to climb onto the table, whip out his wang, and stretch it to the length of a garden hose in full view of everyone. Maybe it would make an impression with the ladies. But me? Never. No siree. Not someone as hardcore as me. Though he may boast a hose longer than mine (unlikely), it would still be flaccid, not gird-iron hard as I would come to expect of my fellow League members.
Another group of people I would not invite into the Super League are my church elders. If I remember my Bible lessons from Sunday School correctly, according to my teacher, erections are sinful. And a constant erection is perpetually sinful. That sort of automatically disqualifies a church elder from joining in my Super League. Having priapism, or what the medicine defines as “A condition in which the penis is engorged with blood for an unnaturally prolonged period without being able to properly drain away”, naturally goes against their moral convictions and their doctrine. Unfair? Yeah. But tough shit (like my block-busting manhood).
The one more person that I cannot bring myself to invite, though he may be the most powerful of all heroes in the world due to his unique power, is Peter Petrelli of Heroes fame. His power is the power of mimicry. Should any person with super powers cross into his effective range, he will be able to absorb this person’s power permanently for himself. His power is a fitting representation of who he is, an empath. He empathizes with other people so much so that he is constantly depressed and sentimental. Powerful as he is, the one power that he can’t absorb is that of the Haitian’s, who possesses the power to shut down any person’s super power should they come into his effective range. Rather, make that the two powers that he can’t absorb, the 2nd being the hardness of my little brother. Not so tough now huh, tough guy?
As for who’s on the invite list, the first person I can think of to invite to join my League of Priapismic Super Heroes is Dr. Reed’s teammate, Ben of the Fantastic Four. This guy is perpetually granite hard, and doesn’t resort to nonsense, to guile, or to other people to overcome his problems. He is a man of few words (and when I say words, I really mean grunts), and would very much rather use his fists to do the talking. I remember in the Silver Surfer Movie one scene where there was an out of control helicopter tail blade swirling menacingly towards his girl, threatening to decapitate her. Instead of calling 911 and waiting for emergency services to arrive like most other people unaffected by priapism, he sprang right into action, stuck his neck in, and stopped the blade right dead cold with his face, quite literally. The outcome? The helicopter blade was totally demolished by his face which suffered nothing more than a few chips in the process. Ben’s face 1 – Helicopter 0. If that’s not hard, I don’t know what qualifies.
Another person I would invite to the League is Zangief, the Russian bear-wrestler of Street Fighter. That guy has got to be one of the hardest men on earth. While the rest of the Street Fighter cast resorts to “Hadoukens”, “Sonic Booms” and other sissy energy beam and projectile nonsense that only serve to keep opponents away, Zangief wants and craves close proximity action. Hell. Even though he’s very much capable of dodging a couple of desperate projectiles sent his way, as he closes the distance on you with murder in his eyes, he usually decides to simply tank it all up, right before he performs a flawless spinning pile driver on your backbone. Just because. He's that bad. I bet he carries a constant hard-on into every fight. And that’s why he deserves to be a part of the League.
As most men will attest, there can only be one situation in which priapism can be put to its proper use. Which brings me well and squarely to the final person on the invitee list.
I wonder if Wonder Woman will ever be capable of having a priapism.
Actually she can. Because I'd gladly offer her mine.
During church service today, a couple of younglings and their families were seated in front of me. Children being children, none of them can be expected to sit still. Those fortunate enough fidgeted with their toys and coloring books, while the rest of them had to occupy themselves with the production of saliva and playing with any hardened chewing gum residue they found beneath their seats. While some may find them bothersome, these children generally become just a flurry of activity at the periphery of my vision.
Feeling a little bit mischievous and finding the speaker to be a little bit boring, I thought it would be amusing to distress a child and ultimately make the child cry just by fixing a disquieting gaze on him. And God forbid should we lock eyes for more than a second, my stare would bore through the child with the chill of a thousand winters. And so I looked around my immediate surrounding and a target presented itself soon after... The 2 year old toddler directly in front of me was taken into the mothers arms and held in place. Face to face with me.
Hahah! Trapped! By the loving arms of his clueless mother! Directly in the field of fire of my disturbing gaze! Betrayal of the cruelest kind! Hahah!
Hah! Hah! Hah!
And so I did as I set out to. For the next few minutes, I stared at the child as cold as I could, wearing a malicious smirk, all the time willing to distress the child. Every now and then, the child would look at me for our eyes to meet. But the child would always look away hurriedly here and there. That little bugger knew I was staring at him alright.
By the time the chairperson went on stage after the speaker however, I still had failed to make the child cry. By that time, the mother had let the child down to tend to her other children and left him to himself. In that short period, the child had inadvertently wandered the gap between our seats right to where I was. All this time, even though my resilience was beginning to wear thin, my gaze was still fixed on him, when without warning, the child looked up at me.
I had him where I wanted. And this time, I'll have him cry.
This time round, our vision locked. The child was unable to pull away his gaze from my own. Immediately, an unnerving chill traversed the gulf of our eyes directly into his still innocent and trusting soul, a chill meant to ensure that this part of his young soul dies forever.
And at just that point, the young child reached out his hands... and touched me.
Immediately, I felt the resilience behind my game leave me and the chills in my stare melt away by the child's unexpected gesture. As I instinctively patted his head, the cold smirk I was wearing gives way to a warm and knowing smile that I had been defeated by a child. I guess I'll just have to try again next week.
Malaysia Weighs Buying Russia Spacecraft By The Associated Press
posted: 06 November 2007 05:02 pm ET
KUALA
LUMPUR, Malaysia (AP) – Malaysia is thinking of buying the Russian craft that
carried the first Malaysian into space and putting it on exhibit to stimulate
scientific interest among the country's youths, an official said Monday.
Science
Minister Jamaludin Jarjis said Russia's space
agency offered to sell the Soyuz TMA-11 craft to Malaysia and that negotiations were under way. There was no mention
of any possible price.
Malaysia's Sheikh Muszaphar Shukor lifted
off on Oct. 10 in the Soyuz craft as part of a mission to the international
space station, where the astronaut spent 11 days conducting scientific
experiments with cancer cells, proteins and microbes that cause tropical
diseases.
"We
are very keen to acquire the spacecraft and bring it back to Malaysia. It will be the icon to create
awareness, and to stimulate interest in science and technology among some five
million kids in school,'' he said, adding that the craft could be displayed at Malaysia's space center. "This investment
is for Malaysia's future, to create a
knowledge-based society.''
Malaysia, one of Southeast Asia's most prosperous nations, aims to
become a developed country by 2020.
Jamaludin
said he would seek public opinion on the purchase before asking for the
government's approval.
Sheikh Muszaphar,
who has become a national hero, is scheduled to soon start a nationwide tour to
share his experience in space.
Today I had to wear proper working attire replete with belt and button shirt and pen in the pocket. I walked past a pharmacy and looked in to take note of the ongoing promotions, but all I could notice was my own reflection in the Window Display.
Damn I look good!
In Malaysia... there are many people who drive like they're idiots.
And then there are many idiots who act like they're drivers.
My Sister-in-Law-to-be so happens to be romantically involved with one of them.
